I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
