The maid of honor just puked.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
