So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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