My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
