look no pants
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
