Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize