I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
