I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Sext me about skeletons
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
