i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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