his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
