she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
