Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
