he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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