How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
