When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
