Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
