I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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