I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
