New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
