just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
