I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
