Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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