I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
