you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize