I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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