Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
