i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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