If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
