he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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