Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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