They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
