I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
