Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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