holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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