The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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