My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
