I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
