the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize