I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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