I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
