JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
as a side note pls kill me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
