I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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