The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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