Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
