Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
