i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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