and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
