in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
