Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just found puke in my bra..
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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