I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize