im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
