Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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