You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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