so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
