I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
