I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize