Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
