Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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