She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
