I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
