And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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