I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
