as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
