my mouth tastes like poor choices
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm too high and old for this...
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