I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
worst night to have a conscience
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
